Conclusion

(Extra Credit Post)

Well, this class is over! It has been an absolute pleasure to be able to study the different trends and influences on the family. I have loved this class for a number of reasons. One, being that it has covered almost all causes of changes within the family. It was a very broad, yet detailed, introduction to Family Relations and I loved that. I would rather study a wide range of family relations than intricately study one or two. I loved the knowledge that I gained this semester as well as the security and faith I have for my own future. Marriage, families, and adulthood can be a scary, intimidating thought for young people. As I have started these myself, I have gained confidence in myself, knowing that I can do hard things! I have also learned the importance of looking at the bright side. I have realized that although there are apparent challanges within families and marriages, they are a beautiful, God-given gift! I am so grateful for my own marriage, and that we will be able to start a family of our very own! This class, if anything, has reassured me of the sacredness of families. It has helped me realize that it is my divine purpose, as a woman, to be a mother! I cannot wait for that day. I'm grateful for a husband who loves me, who supports me, who reassures me and who treats me like a queen. This life is hard - and families are angels in disguise that can help through hard times.

Remarriage

Remarriage is not a solution to divorce, but oftentimes, families find that remarriage either benefits or does harm to their own families. The most difficult part of remarriage comes into play as two families are blended together. Each family comes into the picture with different traditions, customs, family rules, and ways of living. To blend two families is a lot more difficult than it looks. Of the the 50% of American's that divorce, the majority will eventually remary. Half of those who remarry after a divorce do within a little over three years. The median is 3.6 years for men and 3.5 years for women. People tend to remarry for the same reasons that they married in the first place! They need intimacy, and crave the security that comes from an intimate relationship. With a remarriage typically come the challenges of unresolved emotional issues related to their first marriage, children's adjustment, financial issues, legal issues as well as general life adjustments. The term "stepparent" usually brings a negative reaction as there are typically issues as a new parent steps into the family and takes on the role as "father" or "mother" - even though biologically, they may not be the parent of their new spouse's previous children. It's a difficult balance that takes time, patience, trust and love to maintain and build. Although difficult, all of this is possible! We have learned throughout the course of the class, that with patience, it can work. It requires a tremendous amount of patience, as well as faith in the Lord. It requries prayer, love and nurturing relationships to work.

I am grateful to have never dealt with this, however I have watched the struggles of remarriage in my own extended family. It's a beautiful thing to be able to start new and fresh.

Divorce

Through this classes weekly discussions, I have come to the knowledge that Divorce greatly affects not only the couple, but the family as well. The entire dynamics of the family change - causing great amounts of stress, grief, adjustment, and learning. Divorce is a type of crisis for families which deeply influences how they will react to it. In America, the divorce rate is sitting just above 50% - which is a large chance for separation. Most parents, so miserable in their marriage, feel that divorce will bring their family peace. They feel as if they have tried too hard, for too long. The truth is that marriage is difficult. Those that continue to stay married face similar challenges in their marriages, but marriage is selfless. If a couple is going to work through a marriage, it requires very hard work, as well as dedication, fidelity, loyalty, and faith. When a couple decides to continue forward with divorce, they feel that it will save their family. When in reality, a broken home causes struggles and challanges for children for the REST OF THEIR LIFE. This is no small issue, but truly large and impactful. Divorce affects children's self-esteem, their secure attachments, their development, their ability to have healthy relationships as well as their general happiness in life. Children who's parents are divorced have much higher chances than the regular 50% of one day divorcing themselves. Children need the example in their life of healthy relationships in order to know how to have one themselves. You often hear individuals say, "I am not going to do the same things my parents did." But guess what? Those tactics used by parents are imbedded in us - whether we like it or not. It takes great effort, courage, and determination to find and develop healthy relationships. Some ineffective coping patterns that comes from those trying to recover from a recent divorce are denial, avoidance, and blaming.

I am grateful that my parents have such  a healthy relationship. I have never heard them fight and that was a great example so that I can also be successful in my own marriage. Marriage is holy and of God. We make sacred covenants in the temple which means we must fight for our marriages with all that we have, always. If taken seriously, and relied on Heavenly Father, we can do even the hardest of challanges.

Parenting

Parenting teenagers is difficult. Oftentimes, there are apparent differences between parents and their children. In M. Russell Ballard’s general conference address titled Like a Flame Unquenchable, we are taught that the commandments on this earth have not changed. This brings so much comfort to my life because I have felt in my own short 20 years on earth, the world has gone through some significant changes. The standards go up and down, fads change and conformity is high. Ballard states, “The standards of the world have shifted like the sands of a windblown desert.” I love that the gospel principles are set in stone and unwavering. This provides me peace in my future parenting in the future because I truly fear for my children. I fear that I won’t be able to teach them what they will need to know but this quote gives me comfort that from the very beginning, if I teach them the solid principles of the gospel that they will be able to use those principles for the rest of their lives! How reassuring is that? The story that Elder Ballard started with, referring to the young and virtuous couple over the alter made me teary-eyed. Not too long ago, that was me! It was such a special day and I was so proud of myself and of my husband for making it to the temple. There are so many pressures for young men and women that we must, as parents, help them to put on the armor of God. Elder Ballard suggests 4 methods to help the youth to learn to understand, love, value and live the standards of the gospel. They are: gospel information, communication and example.

I hope to be an active parent - meaning I will resolve problems in the best way possible without being permissive or authoritarian.

The videos that we watched this week demonstrated the difficult adolescent period for teenagers and the trials of good parenting. Parenting is actually not as simple as it sounds. However, the secret to parenting is quite simple – to teach by the spirit. I know that parenting will at times, be discouraging and hopeless. I hope that I can keep an eternal perspective and know that my Heavenly Father is a prayer away!

Fatherhood

This week's topics were regarding fatherhood and the importance of it. It is so important that we better understand the nature of fathers as we address families. Fathers are such a large component of the family as a whole and should be greatly understood in order to fully understand the family. I love this quote that I found. It states,

Being a father has been, without a doubt, my greatest source of achievement, pride and inspiration. Fatherhood has taught me about unconditional love, reinforced the importance of giving back and taught me how to be a better person.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/fatherhood.html#Upvw68RLtBWo90SQ.99

"Being a father has been, without a doubt, my greatest source of achievement, pride and inspiration. Fatherhood has taught me about unconditional love, reinforced the importance of giving back and taught me how to be a better person." -Annonymous

Fatherhood is a godly act, just like that of motherhood. Together, man and woman are able to accomplish the Lord's purposes for us here on earth. Our ultimate goal is not to obtain the most money, be the most successful, or have the greatest most high education. Our goal here on earth is to have families and teach them the principles of the gospel. As we come to understand the role of a father, we often learn the basics through example as well as practice. Life did not come with these types of manuals, but it did come with the example of our Father in Heaven. He was the ultimate parent and we can always look to Him for guidance.

Being a father has been, without a doubt, my greatest source of achievement, pride and inspiration. Fatherhood has taught me about unconditional love, reinforced the importance of giving back and taught me how to be a better person.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/fatherhood.html#Upvw68RLtBWo90SQ.99

Being a father has been, without a doubt, my greatest source of achievement, pride and inspiration. Fatherhood has taught me about unconditional love, reinforced the importance of giving back and taught me how to be a better person.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/fatherhood.html#Upvw68RLtBWo90SQ.99

Being a father has been, without a doubt, my greatest source of achievement, pride and inspiration. Fatherhood has taught me about unconditional love, reinforced the importance of giving back and taught me how to be a better person.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/fatherhood.html#Upvw68RLtBWo90SQ.99

Being a father has been, without a doubt, my greatest source of achievement, pride and inspiration. Fatherhood has taught me about unconditional love, reinforced the importance of giving back and taught me how to be a better person.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/fatherhood.html#Upvw68RLtBWo90SQ.99

Communication in Marriage

Thesis: Conflict often arises within marriage, but precautions can be made in order to ensure communication as well as mutual understanding and love.

This week's topics were that of communication and mutual problem solving, specifically within marriage. We watched a video that I found very interesting regarding conflict within marriage. The wife in the video had dreams of pursuing her love for horses. Their horse, Maddie, cost the couple $1,000 a month to take care of. The husband found that this was a waste of money, and his dream was to have a cabin far away. He felt as if he was sacrificing his dreams to pursue hers. There was a huge communication gap between the couple, despite their mutual love for one another. Together, they sat down to discuss the issue. They were both encouraged to listen, understand one another's point of view, and then tell the other that they were okay with pursuing their spouse's dreams. These simple changes were amazing in their conversation. They both felt free to pursue their dreams, but because of the understanding that came from their spouse, it was as if they didn't care about their own individual dreams anymore and would rather pursue a dream together as a couple.

It's true when we are told that marriage is selfless and to keep it going, a couple must be thinking of the other. Think about it. If two people are married, and each individual does all that they can to make the other happy, then both will be happy! On top of that, they will feel the true love that comes from service.

I have found that in my own marriage, it's important to focus on prevention of conflict in order to never get to the point where you have to resolve conflict. Ways of prevention include selflessness, small acts of service, listening to your spouse, and sacrifice. These are easier said than done, but have made my own marriage a very happy one. This idea of prevention allows for a deeper love in marriage as well as mutual understanding of one another. When my husband feels loved and taken care of, he is sure to make sure that I am taken care of, and this concept goes both ways.

Family Stress

Thesis: With family crisis, arises a degree of family conflict, depending on the way the family determines to deal with such circumstances.

Lesson 8 discusses the family under stress. Most families experience some degree of stressors in their lives. These stressors can vary between positive stress (eustress) and negative stress (distress). In our lives, stress is absolutely necessary to continue to be better, get things done, and accomplish tasks we may not have without it. It's true that understanding our own stresses will further help us to learn how to best respond in the most effective manner. As this week's lessons went on, I looked back to a particular story from my own life.

One day I came home from church, and walked inside. My sisters were arguing, yelling and the stress level within my house was very high. I tried to make it to my room, but after walking only halfway through my house I thought to myself, "I can't do this, there is so much contention here."

I turned around, went outside, and got into my car. I was so frazzled, a little upset with the anger inside, and very distracted. I backed up without even looking behind me and I hurd a big CRUNCH. I looked up, and I had backed right into my mom's car, which she had parked behind mine in the small amount of time that I had pulled in home and then got back out to my car to go escape.

This situation, in my opinion, perfectly describes the negative effects of stress in life. There was stress in my home and within my family, and it caused me to feel very stressed inside. The outcome was very unfortunate, and entirely my fault, but I now look back to this time as a time when my family could have handled the situation better. My sisters should have known better, and perhaps I should have tried to do my part in calming them down in the short amount of time I was home. Perhaps I should have stayed home and tried to fix the problem.

Stressors are part of life. We must learn how they effect us and how we should react in order to best shape a desirable outcome.

Affair Prevention

Marriage is such a sacred part of our lives, and should not be taken lightly. It is truly what bonds two together and marriage is part of our lives to continue towards becoming more like our God. In today's world, fidelity is a huge issue. Affairs are becoming more and more acceptable which is far from what our Father in Heaven wants. Over the past 10 years, the divorce rate in the United States has loomed around 50% which is so devastating. 50% is a huge number and the odds are against us.

An article in the Ensign states,

"The high moral standards of this church apply to all members in every country. Honesty and integrity are taught and expected everywhere. Chastity before marriage and absolute fidelity to wife or husband after marriage are required of members of the Church everywhere. Members who violate these high standards of moral conduct place their Church membership in question anywhere in the world"

The proclamation states,

“The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. … We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God."

There is marital infidelity, emotional infidelity, sexual infidelity and fantasy infidelity. There are so many ways to be unfaithful to our spouses, but with God on our side, we can combat this trend that the world is slowly considering acceptable. We must beat the odds, we must stay close to God and we must be stronger than ever. This is the time of trial. This is a time of faith and a time of trial. We must prove our worthiness, our faith, our integrity and our love to our God.

Adjusting to Marriage

I love learning about the new steps a couple takes as they embark a new journey in eternal marriage. Most of the reason why I love it is because these very steps are what I am experiencing right now in my life. One of the quotes from the readings that stood out to me most was that the habits developed in the first year of marriage are usually what dictate the rest of the marriage. This really had me thinking as I came to the realization that this first year in my own marriage is extremely crucial to my life with my husband. This little quote had me thinking all week about the little things that I do. It helped me to be more patient, more understanding, and more loving.

Couples go through extreme adjustments during the first few months of marriage. I have felt this very true in my own marriage as we have explored different and new aspects of this marriage. For example, the top three greatest adjustments for us have been sleeping habits, time habits, and cleaning habits.

Sleeping habits has been a big adjustment, and a normal one, as we have learned. I love to cuddle each night as I fall asleep and my husband doesn't like to touch while trying to sleep. It's funny and we laugh about it each night, but learning to adjust has surely been a learning experience for us.

Time habits have also been an adjustment as my husband and I have learned how to better manage our free time from our scheduled time.

Lastly, cleaning habits have surely been a change. My husband grew up with a cleaning lady and he is not the cleanest person. I really like a neat & organized home and I have found it frustrating to spend so much time cleaning, and then to have it completely dirty again an hour or two later. We are working together on this issue, and my husband is doing his best to be better. I appreciate his willingness to try and work on things and I know that if we are both doing this, we will succeed.

Marriage is exciting, fun and challenging but it will be the best experience of my life if I think of it that way. Life is all about becoming more like God, and I know that marriage will be one of the best tools to refine me and strengthen me. I am grateful for my husband and for the kind and selfless man that he is. This life is hard, but we can look at it with the glass half full or half empty. We choose to look at it half full!!

Dating

This week we have been talking a lot about relationships regarding the dating aspect. I will be the first one to say that I feel so lucky that I was married young and able to escape dating early. I loved dating - don't get me wrong. But once you have settled with the love of your life, it's even better. I love that instead of spending my early twenties dating around, that I can spend it dating my husband and building my relationship with him.

One thing that stood out to me with dating was the story of a young girl. She was asked on 50 dates one semester and many people hadn't even been on one. When she was asked what she did, the answer was simple. She would often let boys know that she was approachable and kind, which would lead to them asking her on a date. For example, she would hear a boy playing the guitar and she would stop and watch and then tell him how she had always wanted to learn guitar and she thought that it was a really neat talent. Simply, she would take the first step in making the boy feel comfortable, and usually did it by complementing him, or making him feel good, which lead to him gaining the confidence to ask her on a date.

I think that dating is SO important in this life. It starts out with dating casually, and then dating seriously and then once married, the dating should continue. I believe that it is healthy for relationships. To me, dating is sort of "maintaining" and my husband and I have made the effort to go on weekly dates our entire lives. As we start our family and have kids, we know that this will become more and more difficult. Right now, it's easy because we spend each day together so it's as if every day is a date! But we know that if we can get into this habit, it will do great things for our marriage in tough times.

Dating is key to this life as we get to know and get to learn more about others, and our spouses.

Gender Role Confusion

This week's topic was that of Gender Roles. Now I discussed Men vs. Women last week and these are very similar topics, and mostly the same. But my favorite activity of this week was watching the documentary on homosexuality. I loved that the documentary claimed that some homosexuals claim that they were born that way. Well - that's not true. They did a study on identical twins, seeing that their genetic makeup is identical. Then, they figured that if they tested identical twins, if one was gay then the other would be as well, meaning they were born homosexual. Only 11% of twin sets were BOTH homosexual. The rest, only one of the two.

I do agree though, that some may struggle with homosexuality in their lives here on earth. I am a strong believer that everyone has their own earthly struggles and I do think that same-sex attraction is real. However, I think that we are each given our own trials because Heavenly Father knows exactly what we need in order to become our very best selves. He knows what will refine us so that one day, we can become like Him. I was so inspired by the documentary, and seeing so many men who had overcome this trial in their lives. I wish that I could show everyone it, because it showed me that we can overcome our trials once we surrender ourselves to the Lord. 

Men vs. Women

I loved the documentary that I watched this week regarding gender roles. I found it so fascinating and reassuring that there ARE indeed differences between men and women. The video held an experiment with families with both a son and daughter. They raised these sons and daughters for a span of time with absolutely NO gender cues, differences or encouragement. They would give both children dolls, trucks, makeup, and guns and give no encouragement for either child to play with a particular toy. One mom stated,

"At one point I gave both my son and daughter both a doll. My son proceeded to use it as a gun, and then threw it making an explosion sound. When I handed it to my daughter she stated, 'oh she is absolutely beautiful but she needs more makeup!' I was so confused - I don't even wear makeup! She just knew."

This happened time and time again. They even did experiments with animals. Females are just nurturing by nature. Boys are more rough.

I believe that there are apparent differences in gender and that these differences are divine and Godly. We are not meant to be the same, we are not meant to be equal. We are meant to be different. These differences are what makes marriage so beautiful. Husbands and wives have unique strengths, that when placed together, create a positive home environment.

So what can I do?

I plan to embrace womanhood! I am not going to put up a stink about women's rights, equal rights, or the fact that motherhood these days isn't technically "a career". I am proud to be a women and I am grateful for the opportunity I have to become more and more like God each and every day.

For an interesting article about stay at home moms, visit:
http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/10/09/youre-a-stay-at-home-mom-what-do-you-do-all-day/

Conflict Theory

This week one thing that stood out to me was the large amount of unique theories. The one I chose to focus on in class, was conflict theory. But what exactly is conflict theory?

Conflict theory is the individual way that people deal with conflict. It occurs in nearly all relationships and everyone has experienced it at one time or another.

The reason that conflict theory stood out to me is not necessarily because I have a lot of conflict in my life, but more because I'm always working on how I can better deal with conflict.

I'm newly married and you can bet your bottom dollar that I have dealt with a good amount of conflict during the last few weeks.  Being newly married, here are some of the conflicts that I have experienced recently: (Sharing these with permission of husband)

1.
I like the shower curtain shut after I'm done, because it's cute and I like it looking clean.
I like the toilet seat down after using it.
I like to pour gallons of milk into cups to drink, rather than drinking from the whole gallon.

I am not the best at being ready on time.
I am not the best with always having the laundry done.
I am not the best with letting my husband go to sleep at night (I love to talk)

Haha. I hope you are laughing because I am! Conflict is so prevelent in relationships and my husband and I are slowly learning how to best deal with it. What is worth talking about, and what is worth just dealing with it and loving the person anyways. I think we have been doing great so far and I am lucky to have a husband who is kind, loving, and helpful.

With the help of conflict theory, we can better communicate and figure out how to best resolve conflict together.

Childlessness

Throughout this week's discussions in Family Relations, one common topic regarding the family that has consistently come about is that of childlessness. This theme has also become a trend throughout the past 30 years and it is continually trending in the United States as well as other countries around the world.

Now, this topic is near and dear to my heart because I am extremely pro-family. With this continual pattern I've seen and studied throughout the course of my major, I've asked myself the question, "WHY?"

Time magazine did a feature called, "The Childfree Life" earlier last month which perfectly supports this theme. You can find the online article here. Sandler quotes, "The decision to have a child or not is a private one, but it takes place, in America, in a culture that often equates womanhood with motherhood... women who choose not to become mothers are finding new paths of acceptance. As their ranks rise, so do positive attitudes about leading a life in which having it all doesn't mean having a baby."

I found this to be both sad and heartbreaking realizing that many women are begining to conform to this new lifestyle.

The First Presidency of the Church states, "Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels."

And these women simply don't care.

In 1958 the US birth rate resided at 3.81 children per women.
In 1971 it declined to 2.71
and it now sits right about 2 children per women.

One of the reasons for childlessness is that individuals worldwide are simply waiting longer to get married, IF they even get married. Childlessness is either voluntary or involuntary, and when women prolong starting a family, they risk the possibility of not being able to bear children. The world is also experiencing a rise in cohabitation (men and women moving in together, living together, but not marrying.) as well as a dramatic increase in the divorce rate. Although the National US divorce rate is near 50%, the LDS divorce rate is 45%, not much lower. These dangerously scary trending patterns make me wonder if the world will ever recover from the traumatic choices made that ever so greatly affect the family.

I came across a blog that has changed my world. Earlymama.com's Michelle Horton has created an entire community full of women who support the idea of marriage and young families. She expresses the benefits that come from not postponing what matters most: families. I found this Christian mother's beliefs and opinions to line up exactly with my own. One opposing follower stated in regarding to starting a family,


"Heck no, we are not starting a family. We just got out of college. It's time for us to explore the world and have some fun. Getting married and starting a family is a lot of responsiblity, and I don't want to deal with that until I get all the "fun" out of my system first. I know one day, I will get married and start a family, but i'm still very  young right now. Justwant to make as much mmoney as possible and have as much fun as possible now, and then we'll talk about commitment in the future."

At the end of the day, we each have our agency. I'm grateful for the gospel and for the guidelines and encouragement that it provides me with. Children are a blessing.

“Whosoever shall receive one of such children in my name, receiveth me: and whosoever shall receive me, receiveth … him that sent me.”

Indroduction

Hello! My name is Madeline Vance, as you can see, and I am a Junior at BYU-Idaho studying Marriage and Family Studies. I love my major! This blog is for my Family Relations class here with Brother Williams and I am so excited to start studying family life and share what I learn here! on this blog! I will be sharing fun stories, inspirational thoughts, connections, and insights that I have throughout the course.

Just a little bit about me, I was just married on July 30, 2013 to the love of my life, Tyler! We are so happy. He is pre-med and we are planning to graduate in the next year or so.

If you find anything I post interesting, or if you also have any insights, I'd love to hear from you! Comments are always welcome and I am excited to start this adventure!